My son is a Rockstar?
by Beatlemaniac1965
Summary: AU. Harry's parents send him to a boarding school in the US. God only knows what he's doing, until he comes back. Obviously, mayhem ensues. Tears, tantrums, broken guitars and girls the whole nine yards.Oh and there some kind of plot too... I guess
1. Mr and Mrs Potter

Hey, my second story! Fans of Judgement (the handful of you guys) please don't be upset. I'll start writing that as soon as I get some fresh ideas. Meanwhile, please read this and tell me what you think. R n R. (Read n Review, that is. Not Rock n Roll. Just checking.)

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Potter were very nice people. Run of the mill people who go to various mundane offices for work and lead a normal, if boring, life. The Potter's had a son named Harry. Harry was 19 years old.

However, one thing separated the Potter's from other people. Something so secret and so powerful, that it could destroy the world. The Potters were wizards. However, let not this earth-shattering secret traumatize you. The things I speak of are things of the past. Why disturb its ghosts now? Rather, let us continue with are narrative.

The Potters, like all adoring parents, lavished their love on their two children, Harry and Aditya. Mrs. Potter was not at all pleased with the name 'Aditya', but agreed to her husband's demand of a 'global family', whatever that meant. Mrs. Potter now treats the name with good grace. Mr. Potter was prone to fits of childishness and one can only presume that he named his younger son during one of these so called 'fits'.

Young Harry, as was the norm, received his letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry, however, broke one of his family's unspoken rules by joining a boarding school in the United States of America. He had, as was required, already taken an entrance examination and secured a good position. He fought long and hard with his parents for their consent (which was mandatory) which they gave reluctantly. Having given him up as a bad job, they turned to their other son and lavished all their love and attention on him.

However, like any good set of parents will, they had brushed aside their misgivings and tried to help him as well as they could. They had started giving him pocket money so that he could appreciate the value of money and learn to economize. They had also helped him by giving him pep talks. Though they still hadn't forgiven him, they never let him know about what they thought was his betrayal.

A few months passed, and Harry set off for America. He dutifully sent his family at least three letters a week, a habit he kept until the end of the second year. By the third year, the number of letters had whittled down to two. By the first quarter of the fourth year, it became one. At the beginning of the fifth year, he had stopped writing altogether, except perhaps a letter a month or so.

His parents had responded to him in kind. Like all good parents should, they too had written to him at least thrice a week. Sometimes Mrs. Potter would write, sometimes Mr. Potter and sometimes they would both write together. When they noticed that Harry was starting to fall in with his own, that is, other teenagers, they had tactfully withdrawn, occasionally writing a letter to enquire about his well being.

Like his letters, Harry's style of visiting his parents too had seen a sharp decline. In his first year, Harry had begged his parents to allow him to come home for Christmas. The same had happened in the second year. By third year, it was just the summer vacations. By fifth, he had stopped coming home altogether. At first his parents had been worried, but a couple of letters had set their minds at ease.

Mr. Potter hummed as he put on his best suit. While he was dressing, his wife crept out of their dressing room, looking ravishing, or so she thought. While her husband eyed her appreciatively, she exited the bedroom at top speed and bade her husband to do the same.

"Get in the car, James. Oh and Aditya, stop skulking about, son. Get in the car, no time for breakfast." She groaned and said " Why don't we prepare a plan for this kind of stuff before hand? Save us a lot of trouble."

While she was muttering darkly another set of people joined the three. All of them had fiery red hair and were talking loudly about things like 'quidditch and 'Hogwarts', oblivious to the people around them. A small and round woman, with a motherly face and also with red hair detached herself from the group and went to meet the Potters. Aditya and the other children kept their distance.

The woman and the Potters exchanged a few words and then left in their cars for the Heathrow Airport.

Why, you ask? Obviously it was because they were expecting somebody. Who were they expecting? A certain Harry Potter…

* * *

A cliffhanger.... errrr sort of. A bit short, but its only the intro.


	2. Bill goes Commando

Second chapter up in record time. My word, its very difficult writing a 1800 word chapter in a day. All for you guys. So please, be a bit cosiderate and review. Please? Pretty please? Pretty pink please? Oh and 'Judgement' fans, I won't continue that story until I get atleast 50 votes in that poll. 50 individuals, that is

* * *

Heathcolumn airport. The worst airport in the world, perhaps the universe. Methinks this airport was created just to insult our intelligence. I mean, seriously, why the hell… oh leave it. Just continue with the story, I will.

The Potters and the Weasleys (who were close friends of the Potters) disembarked at the parking lot, where a large billboard featuring a beautiful blonde advised them to try not to die.

The Weasley brothers (there were five of them) all got into a huddle to decide what course of action to take. The five - Charlie, Fred, George, Ron and Bill were doing what every responsible adult male does, trying to think how to bag all the hot girls.

"Remind me why we're here again?" asked Fred

Ron only managed some sort of blood curdling groan, which managed to frighten a couple of cute air hostesses away from the little group. The twins, Fred and George, clucked their tongues. Though they knew that the best thing to do at such a point was a kick in the a*s, they knew it would be of no use. Ron had kind of lost his mind when he proposed to his sweetheart, Hermione Granger, but she had bluntly refused and had run away with the Leaky Cauldron's dishwasher. The Leaky Cauldron, the narrator thinks, is a sort of wizarding pub (it's not very tough to deduce these things. After all, I doubt that men of any size or shape can stay away from beer long enough)

"Try to control yourself, as*hole." cried Fred.

Ron just hiccupped and started singing 'Whiskey on the Rocks'. At this point, the twins just threw Ron into one of the trolley-like things and continued with their intensely serious discussion.

"So anyway," said Fred, looking a little miffed and privately wondering whether Ron was a closet fag. "How do we get the chicks?"

"Simple," said Bill, who considered himself a stud and a love guru because he had once managed to kiss a girl without having her kick him in the balls. "We go up to them and say the golden words"

"What golden words?'

"Hey baby, wobading wobading?"

The three remaining brothers looked at Bill with intensely envious eyes. Who knew how many girls he had managed to hug because of the golden words? How many girls he must have touched? They couldn't bear the thought of it. More than one (actually all three) resolved to use these words to get all the chicks.

An evidently charmed George asked Bill. "How the hell did you come up with these words? They are simply brilliant to get all the gals."(Please pardon the pathetic grammar. One thinks that these poor children should have learnt their manners at Hogwarts, but sadly, their awful grammar and coarse language suggest otherwise.)

A vain and conceited Bill answered. "That's what Russell Peters says to get all the bitch*s."

Another couple of air hostesses heard this and quickly went away with their nose in the air. It seemed that calling women bitch*s did not exactly tickle their fancies. Bill seemed oblivious to it and basked in his brother's envy. He continued with his vainglorious speech.

"Just wait and watch kids, right here, right now I will have only one another notch on my bedpost"

"Nice grammar bro." Said George

At this point, an entourage of Victorian Secret models stepped into the lounge. Bill thought that it was his golden chance. He spotted the Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lama and stepped towards her with a firm step and a wildly beating heart. As soon as he came within hearing distance he yelled loudly "Hey baby, wobading wobading?"

She looked at him as if he was a retard. She spoke to the model standing next to her, the Australian beauty Miranda Curse. By this time Bill was right beside them. Adriana and Miranda both looked at him pityingly.

"Poor guy," said Miranda Curse. "He must have run away from the sanatorium. Why don't we give him a hug?"

Adriana agreed and so both women hugged him and gave him enough Victorian Secret lingerie to last him and his family for a lifetime. Bill was charmed. Not only had he received two hugs, but he even had enough lingerie. He wondered whether he would look better in the purple and yellow one or the pink one with polka dots. The lingerie he was wearing at the moment had already worn down. Of course, the other three brothers were almost insane with jealousy. They resolved to try the golden words too, after seeing how successfully Bill had used it on two striking women and they had seen its brilliance. They were eager to do the same.

Meanwhile Mrs. Weasley and the Potters were pacing up and down in the executive lounge, oblivious to the scene Bill had been embroiled in. Harry's plane was due to arrive any moment and they simply couldn't contain their excitement. Beside them, Aditya was insensible to the world, eating a Hamburger and reading 'Hi!' magazine. Though most people were now shifting to the 'Fine!' magazine, he still considered the former to be better. Beside him, young Ginerva was shooting covert glances in Aditya's direction, painfully aware that it was exactly what young Belly did to vampire Edwin in chapter 45, page 375 and 47th word from the right, in the bestselling novel Midnight.

So far, Aditya had shown as much interest in Ginny as he would in broccoli. For those of you dumb enough not to understand, that is a rather bad thing (from Ginny's point of view, that is.)

Mrs. Potter was having a bad day. Not only was she forced to leave home without her victuals, she was also forced to sit and watch, what she ambitiously considered, was the demise of Great Britain.

"This is so revolting." She said. "How can people dress up this way? Disgusting. That's what it is."

Her husband would, no doubt, have answered if he wasn't busy gaping at the Victorian Secret models. Fortunately, his wife didn't seem to have noticed and so he went back to his shameless peeping tom ways. Meanwhile, Mrs. Potter then addressed her remarks to Mrs. Weasley alone, remarks which Mrs. Weasley wholeheartedly agreed with.

As if in answer to Mr. Potter's prayers, the voluptuous beauty, the one and only, the PGE (Proof God Exists) sat next to him. She too was waiting for someone, or maybe it was just that she was sensually attracted to middle aged men. Mr. Potter prayed that it was the latter.

Her arrival had created quite a sensation. Even the normally taciturn Aditya looked over the magazine to feast his eyes on the divine sight, the vision from heaven, Adriana Lama. Ginny took one look at the way Adriana was treated to a manly gaze by Aditya and her heart went cold. She cursed his womanizing ways, she cursed her rival's beauty, but most of all, she cursed him, just like Belly cursed Edwin in chapter 8, page 42 and 23rd word from the bottom in her favorite novel, Midnight.

Aditya cleared his throat and spoke for the first time that day. He asked Adriana. "Miss Lama, what brings you here?"

Adriana, obviously impressed with his way with words and his aftershave, which he had evidently bought from a dollar store, replied. "I am waiting for a friend, sir."

"A friend or a lover? Oh, and the name is Aditya, by the way." He said.

She just laughed an amazing laugh, the kind that you hear on TV and said. "No. Just a good friend."

"They always say that."

"I know. That's why I hesitate in saying these kinds of things"

Thus they started bantering. Aditya was feeling more at ease when suddenly Ginny let out a wail and ran towards the washroom. Maybe she had diarrhea. But whatever it was, had affected Adriana and she had become silent. She stayed that way for the rest of the 7.293481189 minutes they were kept waiting. When Ginny came out of the washroom, she noticed that Aditya was again buried in the magazine and Adriana was checking her own reflection in a small hand-held mirror. They had stopped talking. Ginny smiled a slow, evil smile. Mission accomplished.

She was about to take her own chance with Aditya, but her budding romance was nipped in the bud by the arrival of the man.

The man was tall and thin, with the kind of fringe you see nowadays on male models who sell underwear on giant billboards. It would have been cool to say that the hair fell into his eyes, but it would have been a lie. That hair falling in the eye thing might have been possible though, if the man wasn't wearing Aviator sunglasses. He had a certain grungy look about him. I mean, what kind of man pays $3074083098 for jeans which have been ripped, torn, trampled, soiled, peed upon etc.? Only lunatics and rock stars. Come to think of it, it actually is the same thing.

Mrs. Potter almost fainted looking at him. True his clothes were of the finest make, true he was extremely good looking, but he was an insult to the British, she thought. One can almost hear 'God save the Queen' somewhere in the airport.

According to her, however, the worst thing about the man was that he had two girls with him. Two. She shuddered and prayed that Harry was not like this. Of course, I almost forgot to tell you that the girls were nothing short of ravishing. One was a delectable brunette while the other was a gorgeous blonde.

Mr. Potter, after some 7.293481189 minutes of ogling Adriana Lama, suddenly went into hyperactive mode. He was extremely jealous of the guy who was holding the two insanely hot girls. Lucky bast*rd, he thought.

The man, took no notice of either of them. He went straightaway to Adriana and pecked her on the cheek. The four (Adriana, the man and his two consorts) exchanged a few words and then Adriana went her way. The man turned around, spotted Mrs. Potter and said two words which nearly led to a mental breakdown. Her mental breakdown.

"Hi mum."

* * *

Please review, guys. My lifeblood, you know.


	3. Ronald's Parentage

Back after a looooong hiatus. I have not gone over this thoroughly, so let me know if there are any problems. Read and enjoy.

* * *

Molly Weasley was an unhappy woman. Not only had her eldest son confiscated all her 'Victorian Secret' lingerie, but he had also done something else. Sadly, because the narrator is not getting enough reviews he has bad English grammar use and Molly sad forgot what thing only.

Unfortunately, it is an unfortunate thing that the narrator has unfortunately forgotten what unfortunate Mrs. Weasley was unfortunately considering herself unfortunate for. While it is unfortunate that the unfortunate narrator unfortunately forgot what the unfortunate circumstances were about, he… nothing. He has unfortunately forgotten what he was unfortunately considering himself unfortunate for. It is often said that there are three things that happen to you once you get old. First, you get forgetful…and I have forgotten the other two. And I'm not even out of my teens. Woe is me.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, that Mrs. Weasley's misfortune, yeah. Mrs. Weasley called her youngest son Ronald into her extremely private bedroom and shut the door firmly, with all the latches and stuff. Just in case you were getting excited, let me tell you that she wasn't into incest, ok? She just wanted to talk with him.

"Ronald," she said. Ronald groaned in reply.

"Today I will tell you a great secret. One that concerns your birth. Let me tell you today." She said.

Ron managed to say something coherent. "What is it?" he asked her.

"Your father isn't Mr. Weasley"

"Never said he was," Ron muttered to himself.

Mrs. Weasley's eyes flashed. "None of your cheek, bast*rd," she said. Please excuse the expletive. She actually didn't use it; it was just that the narrator added it to induce excitement.

"Yeah, alright. So who is my father?"

"Your father is Mister Lucius Malfoy."

Ronald's colossal brain tried to review the piece of information, simultaneously while trying to scratch his head. Finally, a good five minutes later he started speaking again. "Mom you were raped?"

"Well, at first, yes."

Let us draw the curtain of charity over this unfortunate incident and go to the Potter house where unfortunately there was no unfortunate incident that the unfortunate narrator could use to heap more and more unfortunate circumstances on the unfortunate reader.

**Potter House**

Back in the Potter house, Harry was constructively criticizing Mrs. Potter's outfit.

"You look like a b*tch," he said. "And use less make-up if you don't want to look like a stripper," he advised.

Obviously, this started a full scale war, back at home. James took Lily's side and Aditya went to his room, leaving Harry to fend of for himself. It was only after Harry admitted that he had never seen Lily work in a strip club that he was allowed to go to his own room.

Lily was happy that Harry had confessed that he had never seen her in any of the strip clubs he went to. She went to change into some more conservative clothes and remove the excess makeup. Harry went to his room to change his clothes and read the newspaper. Unfortunately (have I been using this word too much? Should I change it so that you guys don't shoot me? What about…unluckily?). Errr…yeah so anyway, unluckily for him, the newspaper was none other than…the Moon. For the blissfully unaware reader, the Moon is the newspaper that puts in photos of naked women on its leaves for no reason at all. Which was also the reason why everybody read the so called 'newspaper', or more appropriately put, 'nudespaper'. The headline was shocking, to say the least.

_Eating Cheese Makes You Have Less Sex With Beautiful Women!_

_A study conducted on mice proved that the mice that ate cheese (which is in fact, all of them) did not have sex with beautiful women. We don't know what that means, but this is the way research is done nowadays._

"_This is amazing news!" said professor somebody from an unheard of college or university or something. Last heard, that professor was going to Geneva for a Noble prize, whatever that is. And now, turn to page 3 for the nude pictures of a gorgeous seventeen year old who we promise is eighteen and above legal age to do this shit. _

Harry broke into a cold sweat. The only two things he could think of now were cheese, beautiful women and for some inexplicable reason, lapdancers. He hid the newspaper before his consorts arrived from their quest to find whether Lily worked in any of the local strip clubs. He didn't hide it because of the headline. In fact, he wasn't even sure whether they could read or not. He just had a suspicion that the two were sensually attracted to women.

**Today, a secret place**

The teenager was hunched over his laptop computer, trying to think of what to write. He gave it up as a bad job. _Maybe one of those losers can write this damn fic, _he thought. Unexpectedly, the phone rang. A seductive female voice asked him, "is this Mr. Beatlemaniac?"

Heart hammering, he replied, "Yes it is. What do you want?"

"Write another chapter of that rockstar fic, Mr. Beatlemaniac. You will get a reward from me, I promise."

"Your wish is my command. You will have the chapter ready by today."

**Same time, somewhere in Great Britain**

A rotund gentleman gulped down his beer and belched noisily. "Told you it'll work," he said. "I know authors, they are all sons of bitch*s. This one is no exception."

His friend, a gentleman of similar proportions said, "You are right. This voice manipulator shit works great. Might as well avenge our loss to Germany in this world cup with it."

The first man smiled. "Mr. Pudolski, you are next."

**Draco and Lucius**

Draco was staring out of the window. It was his wedding today. He was getting married to that girl with a funny name, what was it? Greengrass…yeah that's it. Not the ice princess, though. She… I mean he, was getting married to her sister, the 'Brunhilda' of that crazed family. His father came to cheer him up.

FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

DRACO: What, the curtains?

FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!

DRACO: But, Mother-

FATHER: Father, I'm Father.

DRACO: But Father, I don't want any of that.

FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. All the wizards said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad - the strongest castle in these islands.

DRACO: But I don't want any of that - I'd rather-

FATHER: Rather what?

DRACO: I'd rather... just...

[music]

...sing!

FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

DRACO: But I don't want land.

FATHER: Listen, Alice,-

DRACO: Draco.

FATHER: Draco. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

DRACO: But I don't like her.

FATHER: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

DRACO: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special...

[music]

...something...

FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' the girl, so you'd better get used to the idea. Guards! Make sure the boy doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.

GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.

GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...

FATHER: Yes, what is it?

GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-

FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.

GUARD #1: Uh...

FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?

FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were-

FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-

GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-

FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-

GUARD #1: Just you.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Get back.

GUARD #1: Get back.

FATHER: Right?

GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.

FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: What?

FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: The boy?

FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

FATHER: Is that clear?

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.

FATHER: Right.

[starts to leave]

Where are you going?

GUARD #1: We're coming with you.

FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.

DRACO: But, Father!

FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.

**Potter Manor**

Harry went to meet his brother Aditya, who was having a bit of trouble concentrating on the magazine he was reading. This was because a couple of thousand people were decamped on the lawns of the tiny (barely 20,000 sq. feet) house. On top of that, they were making subtle advances on Harry, shouting phrases like "Screw me! Screw me!" and "Make me pregnant!"

Very subtle indeed.

Aditya glanced up as Harry entered the room. Neither of the two said anything. They preferred it that way. Finally, Aditya broke the ice. "Can you do anything about them?" he said, gesturing towards the mob. "I can try," Harry said, "but I don't know if it will help."

Opening the window, he shouted "Get away you sons of bitch*s."

The crowd shouted, "He said we can stay! All hail Soul McBallad!"

Aditya raised an eyebrow. "Soul McBallad?"

"Yeah, that's the name I go under, while I'm performing."

"You are a rock star?"

"Yes."

It was true. Harry was in a band named 'the Bottles' which had a line up as :-

Soul McBallad – Bass guitarist

Gareth Barryson – Lead guitarist

Mango Barr – Drummer and,

Heroin Lemon – Acoustic Guitarist

This group was hugely popular in the muggle world, with 'McBallad/Lemon' being voted as the greatest songwriting partnership in the history of rock and roll (though some dumb motherf*ckers petulantly claimed that the Bottles was a pop group)

Now, before anybody tries to assassinate the author, let him make it perfectly clear that he is just having a bit of fun. If anybody finds the last bit in bad taste, remember that all this is done in good spirit. I am NOT trying to degrade anybody.

Also, I'm out of inspiration so… this is it for now.

* * *

My grammar him bad because no review I get only. Give me reviews, give me fire, give me reviews, take me higher, etc.

And how many of you know where that Draco marriage thing came from? SalamanderHanzo can, I bet.

Sorry for the length of this chapter. Writing funny is more difficult than writing all nervous anticipation.


End file.
